Page 1: from the editor: This year my goal is to catch a giant bass. I used minnows for a week with a guide but only got a 6 pounder. We got gypped on the minnows. Later an Elite Series pro took me to his private pond where he handed me his rod and I caught an 8 pounder. Unclear if the fish was already on the rod before he handed it to me.
Page 2: By all appearances, an article. Because you are reading a magazine you may even believe it is an article. In fact it's a paid advertizement for fishing lures, complete with quotes from professional fishermen. Why do the quotes never sound like things professional fishermen would say?
Page 3: The quest for the grand slam of bass. This involves flyrods in most cases, or at least a beetle spin. This section may be followed by a special page about suwannee bass, how big they get, and which color bettle spins are best.
Page 4: How the hell does KVD keep winning all the tournaments? Let's ask him again and see if he will reveal his secret sauce.
Page 5: Advertisement featuring KVD in scary sunglasses with large red crankbait rod.
Page 6: Rubber frogs. It's the new thing. Ok, sort of new and it's January right now. But it still feels new. Did you know that rubber frogs don't just go on mats? Also, there's this guy Ish who has a fat frog (with a ph thank you) and he's roomates with Iaconelli. Make sure to use 57lb test braided line.
Page 7: The Classic. Guess what, I think Rick Clunn won it a lot of times. Let's mention that again to be sure. Also Kevin Van Dam. Now the Classic is in February so we can sell more stuff at the outdoor show. You should come to the tackle show. It's in Alabama somewhere. You probably need a new radar for your Bass Tracker and a lot of tie down straps. We'll have those waiting for you.
Page 8: Possibly and actual interesting article. But may be supplanted by something about silver buddies - perennial "secret" of the pros that never actually wins anything. Bend the tip man.
Page 9: Life on the road. Ok, we need to get some more donators. So here's the deal if you want to win the big money on tour. Sleep in your truck, stay in crappy hotels and wash in the lake. It's all good, trust us, you will be winning the big bucks in no time.
Page 10: A day on the lake. Angler A has just arrived at lake Q. It's cold as crap and he hasn't respooled since last June. Angler A races down the lake to point Z and uses a suspending jerkbait made by Berkeley. He sets that down and casts a Havoc thing-a-bob (it's secret and we can't show you yet). Angler A lands his first bass, a 1lb 14oz. Where's grandma!!! He exclaims. Angler A recommends using long pauses with his jerkbait. Wait, no one wins anything on the Elite Series on jerkbaits ever. Gah.
Page 11: Iaconelli. Hey have you seen his new wife, let's put up a picture. Also, him and Ish are roomates, let's cover that again. Secrets of the panic box are revealed including the 2 inch spade tail grub. Never give up! PS he has a beard.
Page 12: Damn that Kevin Van Dam, we need to ask him again about the secret sauce. Remember, small blades on a heavy spinnerbait head and reel it fast. Got it. Remember, strike king crankbaits with every number from 1 to 10 in front of the model name. Got it. Remind everyone how much money Kevin has won. Kevin do you sleep in your truck and bathe in the lake? Oh nevermind...
Page 14: Aaron Martens, what is he doing? 4 times second in the Classic, we know that for sure. Tell us about drop shotting again please, we can't remember if the weight is first or the hook? Roboworm you say? Is that a type of Berkley power worm? No?? Crap, we can't talk about that here.
Page 15: Tips from the reader. How I attached 50 zip ties in a row to make a trot line. Also, making sandals out of old tires. Fun and comfy.
Page 16: The lunker page. This will invariably include 4 things. An old guy who went to Mexico and caught an 11lber. Someone in a huge camo jacket with a smallmouth that looks 4 pounds. One guy from California that caught a 10 pounder at the Delta on a 5 inch senko. And 12 guys from Florida with a combined 3 fish over 10.
Page 17: Giant ad for Lucky Strike lures, the lure company where every lure is an exact but crappy copy of a known good lure. Pay special attention to our huge lineup of jerkbaits that look exactly like Vision 110's but probably suck.
The back page: Picture of a bass boat with an underpowered engine, a tiny fish finder, underpowered 24v trolling motor and amazing price tag ending in 9,999.